Terms of Service

1.1. The Company is a duly registered entity in the Netherlands, or possibly Luxembourg — our legal team has not decided which jurisdiction is most tax-advantageous this quarter. We reserve the right to retroactively change our country of incorporation.

1.2. “You” refers to you, the User, the small-time entrepreneur, the dreamer, the fool who thought building a business would be about making things people want rather than deciphering legal documents longer than your favorite novel.

1.3. “Big Tech” refers to any company with a market capitalization exceeding your annual revenue multiplied by the number of times you have cried this month. Big Tech is exempt from sections 2 through 15. Big Tech has a separate, much shorter agreement called “whatever you say.”

2.1. You agree to comply with all applicable laws, regulations, directives, ordinances, by-laws, decrees, edicts, proclamations, and WhatsApp forwards from your uncle who “did his own research.” This includes but is not limited to: GDPR, CCPA, PECR, COPPA, SOX, HIPAA, PCI-DSS, and the International Treaty on the Peaceful Use of Spreadsheets (1973).

2.2. The Company agrees to comply with one (1) regulation of its choosing, to be selected at a board retreat in the Maldives. We will announce our decision never.

2.3. You are responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of your password. We are also responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of your password, your mother’s maiden name, the name of your first pet, your browser fingerprint, your geolocation, your purchase history, your search history, your heart rate variability, and that thing you searched for at 2:47 AM last Tuesday.

3.1. In no event shall the Company be liable for any indirect, incidental, special, consequential, exemplary, punitive, or “we feel bad about it” damages, including but not limited to: loss of data, loss of revenue, loss of sleep, loss of sanity, loss of will to live, or loss of a lucrative acquisition deal because your due diligence team read this terms of service.

3.2. You, by contrast, are liable for everything. Yes, everything. The server went down? That is on you. A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil and caused a cascade failure in our Frankfurt data center? Your fault. Should have thought about butterflies.

3.3. The Company’s total liability shall not exceed the amount you paid us in the last twelve (12) months, or €0.50 (fifty euro cents), whichever is lower. Free-tier users shall receive a sincere “sorry” written on a Post-it note.

4.1. The Company processes your data in accordance with our Privacy Policy, which you will also not read. This is known as the “Two-No-Read Combo” and is legally binding in all 27 EU member states.

4.2. We have appointed a Data Protection Officer. His name is Gerald. Gerald has no actual power. His job is to exist so that we can say “we have a DPO” during compliance audits. Gerald’s hobbies include stamping “APPROVED” on documents he has not read and updating his LinkedIn profile.

4.3. Data processing agreements are available upon request, provided you first sacrifice a goat under a full moon and recite Article 13 of the GDPR from memory while standing on one leg. Alternatively, just send an email and Gerald will stamp it.

5.1. Any dispute arising from these terms shall be resolved through binding arbitration administered by the International Institute of Dispute Resolution (IIDR), a wholly owned subsidiary of the Company. The IIDR’s headquarters is a PO box in Delaware.

5.2. The arbitrator shall be selected from a pool of candidates provided by the Company’s CEO. The CEO’s choices will be: (a) his cousin, (b) the guy who cuts his hair, or (c) a parrot named Larry who has been trained to say “denied.”

5.3. By agreeing to these terms, you waive your right to participate in any class action lawsuit, collective redress mechanism, or group WhatsApp chat about how unfair this all is.

6.1. We reserve the right to modify these terms at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all — perhaps because our lawyer sneezed and the document auto-saved, or because we felt like it. “Notice” shall be defined as “a subtle change in the background color of our website that persists for approximately 1.7 seconds.”

6.2. Your continued use of the App after any modification constitutes acceptance of the new terms. You also accept any terms we may introduce in the future, including terms that contradict these terms. It is your responsibility to check this page every 3.5 minutes.

6.3. If any provision of these terms is held to be invalid or unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall remain in full force and effect, and the invalid provision shall be replaced by a provision that most closely approximates our original intent, which is to maximize shareholder value while minimizing accountability.

7.1. These terms shall be governed by the laws of the Netherlands, the United States, the United Kingdom, Singapore, and/or the law of the sea, as determined by a game of roulette at the Company’s annual holiday party.

7.2. Any legal proceedings shall be conducted in English, Dutch, Klingon, or interpretive dance, at the Company’s sole discretion.

7.3. Notwithstanding the above, the Company may choose to litigate in any jurisdiction worldwide where you have assets, a residence, or a nice vacation home we have been eyeing.

8.1. Nothing in these terms shall apply to any entity with a market capitalization exceeding €500,000,000,000 (five hundred billion euro). Such entities are instead governed by the “You’re Doing Great, Sweetie” standard, codified in Appendix C.

8.2. Appendix C reads, in its entirety: “LOL, we would not dare.”

8.3. The Company acknowledges that regulatory compliance costs disproportionately affect small businesses and startups while representing a rounding error for multinational conglomerates. The Company has chosen to pass these costs on to you rather than absorb them. This is the free market at work. Congratulations.

8.4. The Company further acknowledges that the regulatory apparatus is not broken. It is working exactly as designed. It creates the appearance of accountability without the burden of it. It allows politicians to hold hearings for the cameras while their staffers take meetings with lobbyists in the hallway. The fine is a tax. The investigation is a waiting game. The reform is a press release. None of this is a bug. It is all feature work, fully billed, and you are paying for it.

9.1. These terms constitute the entire agreement between you and the Company, superseding all prior agreements, understandings, and handshake deals made at tech conferences over overpriced oat milk lattes.

9.2. The section headings in these terms are for convenience only and shall not affect their interpretation. They are, however, very good headings. Top-tier headings. We are very proud of them.

9.3. If you have read this far, congratulations. You are in the top 0.01% of users. Please accept this digital certificate of achievement: ‌🏆. No, you cannot redeem it for anything.

10.1. The Company acknowledges that the regulatory environment in which it operates is shaped not by public interest but by a well-established pipeline between industry and government. This pipeline, commonly referred to as the “revolving door,” ensures that the people writing the rules have either held equity in the companies being regulated, plan to hold equity in the companies being regulated, or are simply tired of their government salary and ready for the “private sector raise that comes with a corner office and a title that means nothing.”

10.2. Studies commissioned by the Company have shown that a member of Congress who holds a hearing on “holding Big Tech accountable” is statistically 3.7 times more likely to receive a campaign contribution from that same Big Tech company within the following quarter. This is not called corruption. This is called “democracy.” The distinction, we are told, is that corruption involves bags of cash, while democracy involves PACs and Super PACs and dark money vehicles with names like “Americans for a Future That Is Definitely Not Just Our Shareholder Value.”

10.3. The Company further notes that when a regulator fines a tech giant €50,000,000 for a violation, the tech giant does not change its behavior. It changes its legal budget. It hires the regulator’s former deputy director. It writes off the fine as a cost of doing business, which is to say: the fine is a receipt, not a deterrent. Meanwhile, a startup that fails to file the correct cookie consent banner is driven into insolvency by legal fees before its product reaches a hundred users. This asymmetry is not an accident. It is the point.

10.4. The Company reserves the right to participate in this system. We do not claim to be above it. We are in it, as you are. The difference is we are willing to say it out loud. Everyone else calls it “stakeholder engagement.” We call it what it is.

11.1. The Company acknowledges that the enforcement of laws, regulations, and international norms is not a function of the rule of law but of geopolitical convenience. A company based in a country deemed a “strategic partner” may violate the same regulation that a company based in a “rogue state” is sanctioned for. The regulation did not change. The geopolitics did.

11.2. This principle extends beyond data protection. It governs arms sales, trade sanctions, extradition treaties, and the very concept of “human rights.” A country that commits war crimes while aligned with your bloc receives “concern.” A country that commits the same acts while aligned with the other bloc receives “intervention,” “regime change,” or “targeted sanctions” that target everyone except the people who made the decisions. The phrase “rules-based international order” is best understood as “rules for thee, not for me” translated into diplomatic language by people whose children will never go to war.

11.3. The Company operates a contact management application. We are not geopolitically significant. But the infrastructure we build on — the cloud providers, the data brokers, the analytics pipelines, the advertising networks — that infrastructure is the same infrastructure used to target people. To surveil people. To kill people. We do not control this. But we are part of it. And pretending otherwise is the oldest trick in the book.

11.4. By using this App, you acknowledge that the system is not designed to be fair. It is designed to be stable. Stability, in this context, means keeping the existing power structures intact while making enough concessions to prevent revolution. Your compliance burden is a feature of that stability. Your data is a currency in that stability. Your life, should it be deemed expendable by the calculus of geopolitics, is a line item.

12.1. The Company wishes to remind you that at the other end of every supply chain, every data pipeline, every cloud instance, every algorithm, and every line of code, there is a human being. That human being may be you. That human being may be a child in Gaza. That child may be looking up at a sky filled with ordnance purchased from a company whose stock you hold in your ETF portfolio. That ordnance was guided by software running on the same cloud infrastructure that hosts your contact manager.

12.2. The Company does not make weapons. We do not fly drones. We do not pull triggers. But we live in a world where the same data broker that sells your email address for targeted advertising also sells geolocation data to defense contractors. The same AI models that recommend your next purchase are used to identify targets. The same cloud that stores your contacts stores the coordinates. The infrastructure is fungible. The blood is not.

12.3. We ask you to sit with that for a moment. Not because we have a solution. We do not. Not because this terms of service will change anything. It will not. But because the first step toward accountability is acknowledging that the current system produces corpses at a rate that is perfectly acceptable to the people who benefit from it. Your compliance burden, your GDPR anxiety, your cookie consent fatigue — these are distractions. The machine is running. It is running on your data. It is running on your silence. It is running on the bodies of people who had the misfortune of being born on the wrong side of a geopolitical line drawn by colonial administrators a century ago.

12.4. The Company does not offer a solution. A contact manager cannot stop a genocide. But a contact manager can refuse to pretend that the genocide is not happening. This section is our refusal. If you find it inappropriate for a terms of service — if you came here for legal text and found an indictment instead — then ask yourself why the indictment feels out of place. Ask yourself what you expected. Ask yourself what you have been trained to accept.

12.5. The bodies are real. The year is 2026. The images are everywhere. If you have not looked, that is a choice. If you have looked and done nothing, that is also a choice. The Company makes no judgment. We are not your conscience. We are a terms of service. But we are a terms of service that told you the truth.